NIAW 2016

As we come to the end of National Infertility Awareness Week I felt pulled to write another blog post. I have a strong pull to share with my friends, family and even strangers the truth behind infertility.  One in eight couples will deal with infertility.  It can be so very scary and lonely. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. It will test your relationship with your partner, friends and family. Unless you have experienced it, you cannot fully understand the emotional pain that comes with infertility. Over the past year I have spoken with several women who reached out to me about infertility. I have been lucky to follow and support them through their journeys. I have seen a couple adopt, another couple conceive through IVF, and several who are still on the journey to parenthood. I wish more than anything that nobody had to experience the heartache that comes with infertility.

I wish that insurance would help cover the cost of treatments. The expense can be so large that many couples are unable to spend the money. I have heard stories of couples missing mortgage payments because they are trying to pay for their treatments. It is truly heartbreaking. Currently only 15 states have laws requiring insurance coverage for infertility treatment. This number needs to grow! But it will not grow if we continue to act like infertility is something that doesn’t exist.

I have been asked all sorts of interesting/odd questions over the past year. I think the one that angered me the most was when I was asked if I felt like I was playing God by doing IVF. My response to that is NO. I truly believe Nolan and Payton are gifts from God. If it wasn’t for him I would not have them. He gave doctors the knowledge to figure out how to help couples like us. He was there every step of the way. I may not understand why He picked us but I do know He was involved the entire way. I truly believe if he did not want me to have Nolan and Payton I would not have had them.

I have also been asked why we didn’t “just adopt.” I don’t have a great answer for that except “just” adopt is not as easy as some people feel it is. There is also a large cost that can come with adoption and it is its own emotional journey. When we transferred our final two embryos we had already identified an adoption attorney and we were prepared to go down that path. I have seen some amazing families who have been formed through adoption so I do know had we not had Nolan and Payton we would have taken that path.

I just ask all my friends and family to continue to remember that not everyone gets pregnant over night. You probably know someone who is on the infertility journey so don’t just assume they don’t want kids or are not trying. If they open up to you, be there to support them but understand that it may be very painful for them. I know I pretty much shut off the world for awhile. In hindsight, I know that was probably not the healthiest or best thing to do but it was how I coped at the time. Also, remember that couples may have been able to conceive on their own the first time but struggle with what is called secondary infertility.

Lastly, I ask for you to pray for those in pain. If you have kiddos hug them a little tighter and longer today. Don’t take a single day for granted. Let’s love each other, show compassion and make this a better place for the future generations to live.

Mark and I are one of the lucky couples who made it through infertility to parenthood. When I shared our story a year ago I was not looking for sympathy or attention, I wanted to spread the word that infertility is something real. I never want another woman or couple to suffer in silence. I felt so blessed that others felt they could share their journeys with me and there is not a day that goes by that I do not pray for those who have reached out to me as well as the millions of others dealing with infertility.

Here is the very first picture that was ever taken of Nolan and Payton! It is amazing this is what they looked like under a microscope at just 5 days. You can’t tell me God didn’t have a hand in this!

Nolan & Payton

A little about Nolan…..In Nolan’s first few months he was a laid-back chill little dude.  He ate with his eyes closed and loved to just cuddle.  He rarely ever cried.  He did eventually learn from his sister that if he cried some he was able to get food sooner and be picked up.  It took him a few months before he really found the full extent of what his lungs could offer.  Our laid-back chill little dude is such a happy boy.  Daycare said they think he is going to be the class clown.  He loves to smile and laugh.  You can see the wheels turning in his head as to what he can do to make you laugh.  He has such a big personality.  At 5 months he learned to roll from his back to belly and he hasn’t stopped moving since.  He can now turn around in a circle on his belly and push himself backwards.  Nolan started out pretty bald but he is now getting a bunch of blonde hair!  He is such a handsome skinny little dude.

A little about Payton….In Payton’s first few months she was our little drama queen.  She discovered her lungs very early in life.  She was pretty high maintenance.  Girl let you know when she was hungry and she did NOT like to be put down.  She wanted to be held 24/7.  She was the first to roll from her belly to back.  She did this at 7 weeks for the first time.  It took her a few more weeks before she did it again.  We are pretty sure she rolled belly to back so soon because she kind of hated tummy time.  She was the smaller of the babies but has now outgrown her brother and is a pound heavier than him as of their 6 month check.  She LOVES to eat!  Payton, like her brother, started out with no hair but she is also starting to get a bunch of hair.  She has one REALLY long piece on the very top of her head.  She has these big beautiful eyes and is such a pretty little girl.  She used to have a really shy smile but she is starting to give smiles up a little more freely.

Our Birth Story

So a lot has happened since my last blog post.  I really planned to keep up better but life got busy and finding time to write has been difficult!

At the time of my last post I was 27 weeks pregnant with our precious babies!  Today Nolan and Payton are 28 weeks old!  The past 6 months have flown by and the babies are growing so fast!  I’ll try to catch up on all that has happened since last April.  Most of my pregnancy was fairly uneventful.  I of course worried a lot about how the babies were doing and when they would decide to enter this world.  I gained about 30 pounds but had a massive belly for sure!  Late into pregnancy we were having weekly sonograms and doctor’s appointments so it was great to get to see the little monkeys each week.  As they got bigger it was harder to really see them good on sonogram but it was always a relief to know they were doing well.  Baby B always had a good time kicking Baby A in the head which we witnessed on sonograms several times throughout the pregnancy.  We had made the decision to not find out what the genders of the babies were.  Once the nursery was decorated I never even had the urge to find out.  This drove some of my friends crazy but it was fun not knowing.  We of course would always make guesses as to what we were having based on what they were doing in my tummy.  Unfortunately, at 35 weeks the sonogram tech blew it and told us what we were having.  I was pretty bummed as we had made it so long without knowing but it was great because we could stop thinking about names as we were solid on Nolan and Payton but were still on the fence for the second girl and second boy names.  I always just wanted two healthy babies but having one of each is awesome!

Our birth story is a little crazy and scary but I want to document so I don’t forget it.  I developed a rash on Wednesday June 24^th.  I called the doctor on Thursday and they told me to go have it checked out at labor and delivery.  Well I’m stubborn and didn’t want to go to L&D for a rash.  I had self diagnosed myself with PUPPS which is a pretty common pregnancy rash and causes no harm.  Well the itching continued to get worse and I just couldn’t ignore it anymore as I did not sleep at all Thursday night.  I had a sonogram Friday morning so we decided to go do that and then head to L&D to have the rash looked at.  My hope was they would give me some steroids to help with the itching and we would be on our way.  Sonogram went great and both babies were head down.  On the way to the hospital I asked Mark if he wanted to stop for lunch first in case we had to wait awhile.  He said no because the last time we had to go to L&D (severe heartburn) we were in and out pretty quick.  Well when we got to L&D this time they were really busy so we had to wait longer than expected.  Needless to say we were regretting not getting lunch!  Once we got back into a room things seemed to move pretty fast from there.  I had to do a UA, blood work and vitals.  I asked the doctor if I could just get something for the itching and get out of there.  She said that they would probably get me a steroid but needed to rule out a few things first.  They did a bunch of blood pressures on me.  This is about the time we realize something is going on because I was setting the alarm off with my pressures.  The machine was also picking up a few contractions but I wasn’t feeling them.  I end up going to the bathroom and come out to find a sonogram machine in the room.   The nurse told us that they needed to see what position the babies were in as they were going to have to DELIVER!  Ummmm….Say what?!?!?  Needless to say we were in a bit of shock.  From there everything happened really fast.  I had developed what they call HELLP.

H (hemolysis, which is the breaking down of red blood cells)

EL (elevated liver enzymes)
LP (low platelet count)

I was told they were going to induce labor and that I couldn’t have an epidural.  Long story short…my doctor always said that she wouldn’t induce labor and if I got to 38 weeks it would have to be a c-section.  I could only deliver naturally if I went into labor on my own.  So I start to panic because I knew my doctor wouldn’t induce and they wanted to do it without pain meds!!!!  My doctor was in the hospital delivering another baby so they talked to her and she said c-section and then it was up to the anesthesiologist if I could stay awake and just have a block or if I had to be put all the way under.  Thankfully I was able to stay awake!  From the time we were told we were delivering to the time I was in the OR was less than 1.5 hours.  We had time to get in touch with our family and let them know what was going on but that was about it.

The evening of June 26^th, 2015 at 36 weeks + 1 day we welcomed our precious babies.  Nolan (Baby A) was born at 6:55pm weighing in at 5 lbs 2 ozs and 17.5 inches long. Payton (Baby B) was born at 6:58pm weighing in at 4 lbs 15 ozs and 17.5 inches long.  We had 2 NICU teams in the room ready to take the babies but we were so blessed that they both checked out great and were able to stay with us!

In the following days we found out just how serious my condition was.  We were told by numerous doctors and nurses that it was a good thing we went to the hospital when we did.  Given another 12 hours we could have had a very different outcome.  I was told that there was a good chance I would have stroked out at home and all 3 of us would not have survived.  The man upstairs was for sure looking out for us.  Before the rash I had shown no signs and when I was at the doctor on Tuesday my BP was just fine.  The thought of what could have been was/is very scary but we are all healthy!

I had to spend the first 24 hours on a magnesium drip and the babies were having some issues keeping their body temperatures up so they stayed under the lamps a lot and we didn’t get to hold them much that first day.  The first couple days are a pretty big blur to me and I don’t remember a lot.  So we delivered Friday evening and were able to go home Tuesday evening.  Between my parents and my in-laws we were so blessed with a ton of great help those first few weeks at home.  We could not have done it without them.

Mark has been beyond amazing with the babies.  He is such a great daddy!  The babies just love him so much!  I could not do it without him!  The past 6 months has been trying at times but I wouldn’t change it for the world.  We are so blessed to have 2 healthy babies.  It has been so fun to watch them grow and learn.  From day one they have had their own little personalities.  I was lucky enough to spend the first 12 weeks at home with them.  Going back to work was so difficult but they are at an amazing daycare that we just love.

You Are Not Alone - Our Infertility Journey

This week marks 27 weeks of pregnancy for me with our sweet little monkeys.  It is also National Infertility Awareness Week.  The main message this year is “You Are Not Alone.”  Because of that, Mark and I have decided to share our story with you.  We have discussed when and how we would share our journey with our friends, family and the world.  At one point we thought about sharing it early on and then decided to wait until after our sweet babies arrived but have ultimately decided to join in the campaign this week to bring awareness to infertility.

Infertility is a very personal journey and different for every person/couple.  There are no two journeys that are exactly alike.  But the reality is that about 1 out of every 8 women/couples have difficulty conceiving or carrying a pregnancy to term.  I would have never imagined the number to be so high before we started on our own infertility journey.  I really didn't know anyone personally who had faced infertility until my own journey began.  But since my journey began I have discovered many women who have had similar struggles to mine.  The issue is most people never talk about it because it is such a personal journey.

You might notice I call infertility a journey because that is exactly what it is.  It is also an emotional roller coaster.  When trying to conceive and start a family you never imagine you will be faced with fertility issues.  So each month that passes and aunt flow comes on time or you are late and get a negative pregnancy test result it is truly heart wrenching.  Once you decide to seek answers as to why you cannot get pregnant the roller coaster ride continues.  You are searching for answers and hope.  When you are ultimately told that you need to see a reproductive doctor if you’re to have any chance of conceiving children it is scary and very emotional.  Of course, those doctors are very busy and can take weeks or months to get in to see.  Those weeks and months seem to last forever because all you want to know is what your options are or if there are even options.  Then there is the financial burden that can come with treatments as insurance may not pay a dime.  Also, there is no guarantee that any treatment will be successful.

Once Mark and I were told that we had very little chance of getting pregnant naturally it took us 2 months to get into the reproductive specialist.  Those two months seemed like an eternity.  Once we saw the doctor we were told that our best and really only option was IVF (In Vitro Fertilization).  We were not completely surprised by this news as we had been told by a previous doctor that would probably be our only option.  IVF is the process of manually combining the egg and sperm together in a lab and then transferring the embryo to the uterus.  The IVF process is not an easy one.  I will try to make a long story/process short.  IVF requires the woman to take several shots every day, while also getting sonograms and blood work done every other day.  The shots help to produce extra mature eggs during a cycle while the sonograms and blood work help to determine the dosage of meds and when the eggs are ready to be retrieved.  Once the eggs are mature enough they are retrieved and fertilized.  After 5 days an embryo or two are transferred back to the uterus.  Then the waiting game begins.  More blood work follows to determine if you are pregnant or not. (Note: The process and timing can differ for everyone.  I also know that many couples are not as lucky as we are and may never get pregnant.)

Remember that roller coaster I talked about.  Well it just continues.  Once we found out that we could try IVF we were scheduled in the next cycle the clinic was doing.  Unfortunately my body decided to not cooperate and we were cancelled from the cycle.  That was heart wrenching as the next cycle was several months away.  They changed my plan for the next cycle to try to get my body to cooperate.  My body did cooperate and we were able to successfully harvest 14 out of 14 mature eggs.  Of those 14 eggs, 10 successfully fertilized.  By the day of transfer we only had 5 embryos that had survived and were developing properly.  We then had the very difficult decision to make of how many embryos we would transfer.  We could do one or two.  Prior to going in for the procedure we had discussed what we were going to do but had not made a decision.  Once we arrived for the procedure and I was laying on the table we continued to struggle with what to do.  Multiples can come with more complications and financial burden.  We were told our expected success rate per embryo was around 50%.  We ultimately decided to transfer two embryos.  And let me be VERY clear.  We were not seeking to have twins but we felt that if we only did one and did not get pregnant we would regret not doing two.  So we decided to give ourselves the best chance possible to get pregnant.  Well the roller coaster continued.  Transfer was successful and my first pregnancy test came back positive.  We were very excited but my hormone levels were pretty low.  I ended up having a miscarriage between weeks 5 and 6.  Our sweet baby would have been due less than two weeks from now.  This was devastating for both Mark and I.  But we still had 3 embryos frozen.  We were scheduled in the next cycle.  One of our embryos didn't survive the thaw so we were left with 2 embryos.  We once again made the decision to transfer both embryos.  This was very emotional as this was really our last chance as we had made the decision we would only do one full round of IVF.  We were VERY blessed to get pregnant a second time.  I mentioned earlier about all of the shots which I had to give to myself every day but there was also another shot that had to go into my butt muscle.  Mark had to give me this shot every day.  That shot began about a week before transfer and continued the first time until we miscarried.  The second time the shots began around the same time and continued until I was 10 weeks pregnant.  My last shot was on Christmas day.  Mark was such a trooper to give me all of those shots.  We figured at one point that total I had to take around 200 shots through the whole process.

We found out at 6 weeks that we were expecting twins.  Because of the miscarriage it took us many weeks before we both let ourselves get excited.  Still to this day we worry about possible complications but just have to have faith that our sweet babies will arrive into this world healthy and happy.

I know this post was really long and I left a lot of information and details out but I wanted to share our story with you.  Again, the reason we share our story is to let those of you who may struggle with infertility to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  We want you to know that if you need someone to talk to we are here to support you and listen to you.  No journey is the same but we definitely understand the emotional and financial struggles.  I wish I would have known someone who had been through the process to turn to for support.  Our friends and family who knew our struggle were very supportive but they couldn't really understand what we were going through.  Infertility can consume your thoughts and life.  I know I blocked out a lot of people during our journey because I wasn't ready to talk about it but it was the only thing I thought about.

To those of you who haven’t struggled with fertility I encourage you to read this article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/21/what-couples-struggling-with-infertility-want-you-to-know_n_7101678.html.  So many of these statements are so very true.  #19, #21, #22 & #26 all really hit home for me.  I must say that I used to be guilty of asking people when they were going to have kids but this is something we all should really think about twice before doing.  Remember that not everyone gets pregnant easily and chances are you know someone who is or has struggled with infertility.